Monday, November 06, 2006

Should I or Should I not??


Many people might wonder why i am not updating this blog? Also, why am i now? Simple, i write this blog when i feel frustrated & need to take a stance on an issue. It does not mean that I was not frustrated over 1 year. Impossible!
I was tryin to avoid thinking about my frustration. And had been postponin takin stance on what-ever was frustrating me. But today i need to update this space...

You might have read my previous post! And, in chronological order of the event in my life, the prequel for that post is this. Lemme begin...

I had a very good friend. Actually, two of them. A guy & a gal. We were colleagues & met in a non-professional circumstances. We hit on well and got along very well. The next 2 months that followed our first meet was like a honey-moon! We enjoyed the maximum we were can. Dinner! Break-fast! Lunch, if poss! Tea! Loooooooooooooong Drives! Concerts & shows! Badmitton! What not!

We used to chat away to glory! In fact, I remember chatting with her for 5hrs continuously over phone from 00:00 till 05:00hrs early in the morn. Because of which I even had to miss a corporate cricket match! :-) And, every day @ ofc, we used to snatch @least few minutes of chat. And, in the eve, either me or my friend or both (on some occasions) used to drop her @ her place. Mark it, it was entirely in the opposite direction to our home. If we have to drop her then we are making a travel of 20Km from ofc to our home, when the actual distance was just 6Km!! But, we never bothered. She was our close friend. Our best friend. "Anything for her" was our attitude. But, one day, it all crumpled.....

It was my mistake. I am a fucking sensitive & possessive guy. She did not respond to some of my mails/sms & calls bcoz she was busy. Fucking very busy. And, what I did? Pick her up for that. What a MF should I be? And, obviously, she got pissed off. She was getting royally jacked at office. Way too much work. She was not getting time to even respond to her boy-friend's call. But, here I am, a stupid guy who, for all we know, will never be around 10yrs down the line, getting irritated that she ignored me. What a MF I should be!

I realized my mistake & went to her home to apologize. I would like to put a note to the reader that I am not the kind who will apologize to anybody. I might say sorry but will never mean it. But I meant my sorry for her. But the fucking ego in me did not allow me to tell the words "SORRY" directly. I hoped that she would understand & simple beat around the bush. Ofcourse, she got more angry. And then she did something that hurt me a lot.... IGNORED ME!

I tried my level best to tell her plz forgive me. I need your friendship! I am sorry. But, no way, she refused to even listen to me. She threw away the gift I gave her. She even started avoiding the other guy!! And, that bas***d, started avoiding me! why? I dont know! I fought with her only. Why she has to avoid him? no idea. And, why he has to avoid me for she avoiding him? Blood no idea. When I was extremely down & was wanting some kinda support (both emotionally & psychologically) these two buggers were not there next to me. What I am to do? I went into a psychological depression. I am not of the kind to show my depression and, not surprisingly, not many noticed the difference. After all, nobody cares for me!

These two started ignoring me so much that i was wondering whats the point in leading a life! Nope, I was not contemplating suicide but I was frustrated with my life and thats when the earlier post sprang to life. Infact, that fucking bas***d was given an opporunity to go abroad on an assignment and did not even tell me that he was going. Ah! So much for my friendship. The last day in India he comes to me and tells me that he is leaving! Wow! I felt like a piece of shit! I felt like a tissue-paper used & thrown.

The feeling of not-wanted started eating into me. The ever-smiling me lost my smiles. Yeah, I used to still crack lot of jokes & seem very lively but the inner-self was desolate. I never smiled inside. I never even enjoyed a joke. I used to go thro an entire 3hrs of comedy movie without a laughter. I used to laugh if ppl around me used to but if left alone, the entire auditorim would be silent like a grave-yard. In short, I lost my own self.

And, the last day @ my prev ofc, I sent a mail to both askin "why in heavens, did they ignore me & hate me so much?" I did not give them my personal id as i did not want them to contact me any more. I wanted no more of that relationship. Though, i still wanna revive my friendship with them, but i was not strong enough to take any more brunt. Man, i realized how a simple relationship can kill a person within.

But, i got a mail! I got a bloody mail from the gal. She had some-how traced my mail id. I never expected her to. But she did. Now she says "forgot those days as bad dream" simple to say, isn't it? And, she has given her, to quote her, permanent id. non-official id. Now the trouble started again.

I have two options 2 take.
1. reply
2. dont.

I wanna grow stronger & dont wanna nurture any egoistic stupid hatred against anyone ever. Also i like both of them. A lot. I can even say I love them. But, I am way too hurt to re-start the relationship. But, I dont wanna end it for simple reason that "if they are coming back, i dont want my ego to spoil it." But, I am afraid to start it again. What if I am hurt again? I cannot handle another of such blow. But they are a very sweet people.

1. This bugger has sent a costly 8K gift for my bday. arse-hole. I dont know why he wants to do it & torture me more. I was not able to accept the gift bcoz he never bothered to contact me this loooooooong. How many mails I had sent him? How many times i missed him @ my office? Fucker, did not bother to look @ my side.
2. I remember when I had met with a "near-fatal" accident & was kinda bed-ridden @ home. Though she was very very tired after a strenuous week, she came home. And slept. All she wanted was just to gimme the comfort that she is there. But, my que is, what happened to those feelings during the days of depression?? And days i was desperately tryin to tell you sorry. I even cried for her. Another note to my readers, I am bas***d, who never crys. I did not even cry when my dad met with a near-fatal accident & was bed-ridden for over 3months! That strong emotional-less stone-hearted bast**d, I am but I cried. I cried for want of their friendship. But what happened to her good-nature during those days??

I am, fucking, confused man. I dont know if I should reply or not. One part of me says reply. The other part says no, dont. What am i to do?
1. It seems she is engaged!!! And about to get married in Dec!!! I am completely un-aware of this. I was kept @ dark. If I am not even worth being told about such an important event, then why in heavens is she coming back & telling me to forget the event? Also, so typical of her, she never put a word sorry for what happened in the mail she has sent. Am I the only person who made the mistake? Should only I be at fault?? What the fuck?!! Also I wonder if she is interesting in me replyin @ all. Otherwise, y in the hell is she mailing me at the first instance??
2. This arsehole. Never bothered to even mail me once when he was abroad. We were supposed to be very very close. Bast**d would not even reply to my mails. But would suddenly send me a costly gift & I am supposed to accept is it??

All said and done, I still want their friendship. What can I do? Should I reply to her mail? The mail is already 1month old. I am not able to take a decision and so I am putting on web. Lets c, if anybody replies to this, I shall take their opinion.

But I can bet my arse, nobody will read this post! Such is the popularity of me! Nobody is intersted in my feelings. All everybody wants in just the "fun part of me" Guess, being a joker or clown @ the circus would have been the most appropriate job-profile for me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Why do people hate me?

I have many times wondered "Do people Hate me?" Recently one of my (ex)friend implicitly answered: YES. So, now I am wondering "Why do people hate me?"

I am sure nobody is even gonna read this bcoz if they do so then my theory holds invalid. But warning to all those who have by mistake entered this blog plz do not. You might be disgusted much before you reach the end.

People hate me simply because I am hateable. Why? Well I guess that is a million dollar question one needs to answer...

May be I am selfish!
I agree that I am selfish. But who isnt? Every body is selfish in one way or other. Then why only me. As one my (ex)friend had said "RP, you are too self-centered." Is this a reason for people to hate me. What troubles me is that I am actually not able to feel that I am selfish. I dont claim a selfless either but definitely not selfish. But people around me feel so. Why? And what have I done to them that they feel that I am selfish? No idea!

May be I am a bore!
Possible. But, people around me dont seem to show ne facial reaction. Actually, ppl do write/talk nice things about my sense of humour. I am claimed to have a good sense of humour, to which I dont disagree. So, if people find me bore then may be I am really one hell of a bore.

May be I am a psycho!
This is one hell of a possibility. I do agree to this one. Many times I find myself behaving like one. But still my definition of psycho is way beyond what I do. But what if people around me dont feel so? This is a seriously dangerous situation. A Psycho not knowing he is really one. Wow! Interesting situation....

May be I am a cheap!
People often tell me to look normal. They find me staring often. They find me giving vicious looks. They find me behaving cheaply. A cheap, it seems. Well, I am not sure I am cheap. But, yep I agree that I indeed stare, sometimes. But, what else can I do if the gal out there is exposing her assets. I am no saint. And I cannot control my natural reaction.

So, with these limited reasons I am confused. Bcoz all these reasons are the ones that make what I am. And these are the same reasons why others hate me. So, does this mean..... I am by default hateable!!! So nice to hear.... So encouraging....

No wonder I lose friends....